A pillow blog.

Showing posts with label Greasy Foreigners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Greasy Foreigners. Show all posts

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Hollywood Angle

We were summoned yesterday to the Beijing Hotel, for to be extras on Transsiberian. The experience was eerily similar to acting for the DVD guys.

We got an email on Thursday, saying that we'd get a second email telling us when to show up. The second email, sent midnight Thursday, told us to get to the hotel by 9:30 the next day. Naturally, we didn't get this email until 8 the next day, asking us to show up at the "Beijing Hotel, floor 18 conference room", and to wear "casual clothing- sneakers and t-shirts.".

The first problem, as you might imagine, is that there is more than one Beijing Hotel in Beijing. We emailed them back, and we got an address- "33 Chang Avenue". Cross-Googling them, we divined that there was, in fact, a Beijing Hotel at "33 Xiang An Avenue". Close enough- we ran down to the subway, hopped on a rush-hour train and found the place. Of course, when we arrived at the hotel, we got into the elevator only to discover there was no button for the 18th floor. So we went to the front desk.

"We're looking for the movie set. We were told it was on the 18th floor."

"I'm sorry, we don't have an 18th floor."

"We were told to go to the conference room on the 18th floor. We're actors for the Brad Anderson film. Is it on another floor?"

"The conference room on the 18th floor is very forbidden."

A-ha.

"We are actors, who were told to go there. Is there a way to get to the 18th floor?"

"I will have to call the director of conferences."

Ellen gets the phone.

"Yes, we're actors. We are supposed to go to the conference room on the 18th Floor. We are actors on the film. We are actors. Yes."

"Go to the 17th floor. There are stairs."

Thank God. We get back in the elevator, go up, climb a set of stairs, consult with a pair of Chinese conference-stooges who also try to turn us away at first. Finally, we find the film set, in an enormous dining room. A man in an immaculately wrinkled linen suit, hand-whittled owl glasses and a massive Beethoven haircut comes over to us. He's the costumer.



"So, what have you brought?"

"What do you mean?"

"Where are your winter clothes?"

So Ellen sprints back to our place.

By the time Ellen gets back, the place is flooded with regular extras, three dozen or so 外国人, and a sprinkling of Chinese people, as well. I sat between a Sichuanese lady named Stella, and a Venezuelan woman named Estella. Estella was a white-haired woman in her 60's and said she was an English teacher, which I found depressingly plausible, because of her near-pathological shyness and imperfect mastery of English. Stella was a businesswoman who lived in Australia full time, and had gotten into the movie for a kick.



We're finally summoned from the side lounge into the dining room. It was an afternoon of toasting, and pretending to eat the withered food prepared by the props department. I had a nibble of hot-dog, two squares of fingerprint-laden chocolate, two boiled peanuts, and three slices of dried banana on the plate.

Brad Anderson seemed nice, but his affect was almost completely flat, not what I normally associate with a film director. Everyone was fried- the production had been going for 10 weeks, with the majority of shooting happening in Lithuania in freezing weather. Woody Harrelson, a nice-seeming female celebrity who I can't identify off the top of my head (Emily Mortimer), and another character actor who was pulled in at the last minute, who I also can't identify.

The whole production crew was Spanish. We sat next to the Assistant director and a guy who I assume was assistant-assistant producer, who gave us an especially hard time about being American in perfect, unaccented English. ("Celsius just makes sense! We PROTESTED after our 9/11! The Spanish got through killing people in our colonies 100 years ago!) Infuriatingly, he seemed to speak pretty good Chinese as well. Basically a good guy. We were seated, very considerately, right behind Woody, so that we would (most likely) show up in the scene. I wasn't able, however, to get a shot of the famous guys.

We toyed with our food, made inane conversation, and shouted "Amen!" at certain moments.

I induced a possible continuity error by rolling up my sleeves- film nerds take note.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Third DVD session- anticlimax

The guys over at the production company have been after me for another round.

I turned them down for this weekend; we've got a friend visiting from the US, although the thought of forcing him to come along with us, or even just making him act, occurred to me. They're pretty desperate- they even sicced Da Yang, the white guy, on me. So if there are any stardom-seeking Amero-Beijingers out there, email me and I'll hook you up.

The last round of DVD shooting was by far the most relaxing day I've yet spent in China. There were the usual confused logistics- it took them three tries to get us the script, they changed the meeting place an hour before we were due, etc. But the location they finally chose was on Tsinghua University campus, in as lovely a spot as exists in Beijing.

Rolling hills, actual grass, not to mention lilacs and forsythia! Little canals threaded through campus, past cute Chinese style buildings. Not really more lush than an average American playground(1), but practically jungle by Beijing standards. The groundskeepers must work overtime, scrubbing fingerprints off the trees.

The crew started setting up in a corner of this park, and immediately lost themselves in the usual anarchy. It was compounded in this case by the complexities of outdoor shooting- car alarms, curious passerby, and thieving magpies.

I had only two pages of script, this time, and profited from the chaos, relaxing on the grass and reading Tarzan of the Apes. I fell asleep at one point. As usual, we worked with a fairly gracious lady, and a jumpy, irritated guy, both college kids. To be fair, though, I was just as irritated as he was, the first time I worked for these guys. He'd done some acting back in the states, so unlike the previous losers, his objections were based in reality.

Of course, Ellen got stuck with four pages of nonsense, playing, as usual, the jerk. Can you guess which character she's playing?

...

Christina: You just want to sit around and hang out? That sounds boring. Come on, let’s give each other manicures. Your nails look kind of bad. You could really use one.
Ashley: Well, I’m not so sure. I think manicures are a waste of time.
Christina: They’re not and you really need one. Just let me give you one and you’ll change your mind.
Ashley: You know what? (sigh) I’m not sure if I can come this weekend. How about this? I’ll call you when I figure out my schedule.

...

The hardest line I had was this-

...

Mark: Oh, that's Guarav, he's on the college debating team.

...

What it all amounted to was long nap in the park, a free lunch, and about a half-hour of work. I learned all about the rhythm method from my fellow American Man Actor, who was a devout Catholic. He pointed out an angle I hadn't bothered to figure-

"It has a high failure rate because it's really hard to keep your hands off each other."


1) You can bet I felt like a rube taking Mandarin classes at Beijing Language and Culture University, whose campus is as seedy and decrepit as they come. This particular corner of Tsinghua reminded me strongly of Brandeis. Of course, the Chinese are delighted when you can draw those sorts of parallels.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

More On My Acting Career

Since I last wrote about it, my girlfriend and I have been on two more instructional DVD shoots. It's gotten to be a nice pattern. They call us about three days in advance, send us a long, agrammatical script and a place to meet, and we arrive with books, ready to face the chaos. 500 yuan is eating money for a week and a half, after all, and without DVD acting, I wouldn't have a blog. (How much milage can I squeeze from gun-toting nerds?)

Two weeks ago, we spent the day in a rented coffee shop in Haidian district. Would've been a nice day, except the guy they pulled off the street to star opposite me was an enraged securities broker from Philadelphia.

According to him, "I don't need the money- what I do, I earned enough in the first four months, you know, to live here, check it out for a while."

This little bald guy was mad because he had thought he was here to do voice acting, and read off a script. Nobody told him ANYTHING about memorizing ANYTHING. And he wasn't going to wear no fucking makeup, either. I suggested, privately, that he leave. He didn't need the 500 yuan. He could just apologize and go.

In classic Western Creep style, he insisted on staying. But no makeup ("I shaved it- it's supposed to be shiny") and no memorizing.

As I explained before, the torturous problem with making this instructional DVD has been that you've got to speak your lines word for word. This is hard to do without rehearsing, and really hard to do when an a seedy waiguoren is fuming in your ear about the injustice of it all, or relating sexual adventures gleaned from the personals in That's Beijing.

On an hybristrophilic note, he got the makeup girl's number on the way out.

Interestingly, whoever wrote the script had a startlingly clear grasp of modern American political debate. I played the liberal, my girlfriend the conservative.

(F2)大英 Unit 11—1
一男一女在楼道、室外或咖啡厅谈论两个总统竞选者前一天的电视辩论。

Michelle: Did you see last night’s political debate between the two presidential candidates?

Jay: Yes, but I was disappointed in Congressman Santos. I wanted him to talk more about the issues and less about Senator Butler’s character. I don’t like it when the candidates get into a character debate.

Michelle: Well, I think the character of the candidates is important.

Jay: I’m not saying character isn’t important. I just think politics is mostly about issues, not about character.

Michelle: I disagree. I care about political issues, and I’m a conservative. I want a president who can keep me safe and I think knowing a person’s character can help me know who will keep me safe.

...

Michelle: Congressman Santos seemed to take his duty to defend the country seriously. Plus, I saw a picture of him kissing his wife. This makes me think he is a good husband. And I know he goes to church. I like leaders who believe in God. If he is a good soldier and a good husband who believes in God, I think he has the right character to be President of the United States.

Jay: But Senator Butler is known for his character. He is a liberal Senator and has always supported liberal issues.

Michelle: Sure, it’s easy to support the issues that your party supports, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he has good character. It just means he’s smart enough not to make his party mad.

Jay: Okay, maybe, but he has been a leader in his state for 20 years. Many people in his state support his ideas and respect his leadership. Doesn’t that make him a good leader? Isn’t that important to you?

Michelle: Well, I would like a respected leader, but I would rather elect a leader who can keep me safe. I think Congressman Santos is the best leader for the issues that matter most to me.

___________

It's eerie, isn't it?